“Harvard’s House Elves”: Suggestions for Renaming the House Masters

"The Twelve Stooges"

The Harvard Crimson reports that the university’s 12 undergraduate House Masters have met and agreed to change their title, as the current title is “associated with slavery and has come under scrutiny as debates about racism take hold of college campuses nationwide.”

The administrators-formerly-known-as-house-masters have not yet met to agree upon a new title, though they plan to do so soon.

I, too, think it is vital that Harvard settles upon a new title that, as the administrator-formerly-known-as-house-master Ronald S. Sullivan put it, more accurately “appreciates the realities of the work we do in the 21st century.” 

Therefore, I humbly offer Harvard’s former House Masters a few suggested titles intended to capture the current purpose of their position.

1. House Minions
2. Offense Coordinators
3. Professors of Pusillanimity Studies
4. Panderers-in-Chief
5. Brethren of Bootlicking
6. Sirs Sycophant
7. Oil Merchants
8. Your Friendly Neighborhood Fawners
9. Heads of Hokum
10. Groveling Gulls
11. The Twelve Stooges
12. Trumpery Toad Eaters
13. Counts and Countesses of Codswallop
14. Tripe Talkers
15. Applesauce Cookies
16. F-150 Trucklers
17. Lily-livered Lackeys
18. House Elves

I hope this list will be of assistance and that the faculty and students of Harvard will consider it as the strongest possible indication of how much I sympathize with their decision.