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Monday, November 3, 2014

The Best Sandwich for Everyone

A modest proposal for Election Day

Do you have a favorite sandwich? If so, then it must be the best sandwich in the world. No other sandwich can satisfy like your sandwich can, right? Everyone should enjoy the best sandwich in the world, and no one should be exempt. By golly, we have to make sure everyone gets that awesome sandwich because otherwise there would be no justice in the world. We had better get the word out.

You should find like-minded people who like the same sandwich that you do. Luckily, there are two major national sandwich parties that each advocate a certain sandwich. There is the Ham and Cheese Party and the Peanut Butter and Jelly Party. Simply find the sandwich party that most closely approximates your favorite sandwich. What's that you say? Neither of those two sandwiches are even close to your favorite sandwich? Nonsense! If your favorite sandwich has meat, you belong to the Ham and Cheese Party. If your favorite sandwich has no meat, you belong to the Peanut Butter and Jelly Party. It's that simple. Don't confuse the situation with nuances. Don't try to tell me you're allergic to any of those things. You will adapt. Don't bother me about allegedly low-quality ingredients. It all tastes the same anyway. Just pick one of the two sandwich parties.

There is another thing you should know. There are alternative sandwich parties that advocate some really ridiculous sandwiches like BLTs, patty melts, or grilled cheese. Do not be tempted by those alternative sandwich parties. Sure, you might find a third party that advocates your exact sandwich, but those sandwiches will never win a majority vote, so don't even try. Oh, and most important of all: Never, EVER, try to tell me that you don't like sandwiches. If you know anyone who claims they don't like sandwiches, tell them what will happen if they don't advocate a national sandwich: no one will get any sandwiches and everyone will die. Some people will try to push the issue by saying that people could potentially choose any sandwich regardless of what everyone else is doing. Or they will say that people should be able to choose whether to have a sandwich at all. If you meet someone like this, attack them personally and publicly ridicule them for suggesting that people are actually capable of being responsible for their own lunches.

Now that you're a member of a major sandwich party, you need to get out there and convince people that your party's sandwich is totally awesome and way better than the other sandwiches. You should be prepared to donate a significant amount of money to your sandwich party at the local, state, and national levels. Put a sandwich sign on your lawn. Start conversations at work so you can make sure your coworkers will support the same sandwich as you. Make sure to avoid conversations with those who are not on board with your sandwich. On social media, make sure to attack the opposing sandwich party. Blame their sandwich for all of society's ills. Explain how your party's sandwich is the best thing that could ever happen to the nation.

When it's voting time, get out there and vote! And make sure everyone in your sandwich party votes as well! This is your time to tell the world that everyone, whether they like it or not, should enjoy your party's preferred sandwich, whether that is ham and cheese or peanut butter and jelly. Of course, no matter which major sandwich party wins the election, everyone will get old tuna sandwiches.

But that means that next time, you should vote even harder!

A version of this article appeared on

  • Dan Pratt is a financial educator with World Financial Group and teaches mathematics at Primavera Online High School. On his blog at Dan advocates the principles of liberty. He received his Bachelor of Arts in Music and Master of Education in Secondary Education from Arizona State University. Dan lives in Mesa, Arizona with his wife, Elizabeth, and their three sons.